From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
