the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
Randomize
