Scared. last time someone tried to talk me into they said it tastes like tapioca and i projectiled onto a closed window
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Randomize
