I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
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