This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
