Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
Sitting topless in my room drinking wine from a box... It's good to be back at school
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
