She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
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