Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
Randomize
