He asked to "fluff my boner.."
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
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