while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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