There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
Randomize
