His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
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