Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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