If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
Are we playing "how much awkwardness can we fit in the final 29 hours of 2011"?
yes yes we are. Go do something with super glue. i don't want to win.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
