i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
Where are I am going home with Ryan
I don't know who this or Ryan is but it is probably too late to talk you out of it
I am at a striph cluv. They are ovealls everywhere. I have hot rock botto.
He' s half Black and half Italian, I finally asked...this penis maybe one for the records.
If you can't do the LSAT hung over. You can't do the LSAT. That's the real practice.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
Randomize
