Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
ok now this is the second time he's reffered to recieving a blow job as 'getting his pee pee sucked'
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
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