I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
Sarah Palin just got hired for Fox News. Watch out Jersey Shore... there's a new drinking game in town
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Randomize
