My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
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I threw away my jacket instead of washing it, the jungle juice stained me more of shame than red food coloring... i have never been that white girl wasted before...
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
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I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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