OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
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