Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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