Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
