Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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