if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
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