The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
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