my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
Soo I woke up in the storage room at best western....I dont even know what say
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
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