WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
My liver just had a heart attack.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
Randomize
