She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Randomize
