One girl and one boy is just not enough.
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
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