Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
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