she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
it's not cheating when I paid for it
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
of all places to pass out....why right in front of our RA's door? OF ALL PLACES.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
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