i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
Randomize
