Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
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