The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
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