Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
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