Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
Randomize
