I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
I don't know if I have the sustained energy level for partying hard
Not a choice. You are mistaking my comments as options. My statements are facts. This is what is happening.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
Randomize