Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
Randomize
