dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Randomize
