ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?"Ā¯ and "Why tacos?"
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
