this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
We kind of broke a table making out. So yes, I'd say it was successful.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Randomize
