I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
