I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Randomize
