I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
Yah at one point i was listening to metallica and doing pushups last night. I went thru alot of emotions.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
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