I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
Randomize
