If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
