his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
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