so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
Randomize
