thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
Randomize
