In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
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