Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
how do you play pong handcuffed?
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
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