theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
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