I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
It was beautiful and filled the audience with hope for the future. :3 I wish I could speak more but sleep werk nighty
I asked how you were doing?
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
